So I guess I shouldn't really be surprised by this but I still kinda am. Emailed Lisa Monday morning saying that I thought we should meet, cause I'd like the chance to say some final things and ask a few questions that'd been bothering me so that I could finally have the cahnce to get over "us" and move on. I'd seriously thought I wouldn't get a response, that the silence I'd been getting from their family was signal as to what they thought and how they felt. But that night I get a response form Lisa saying that she completely agrees that meeting and talking would be a good idea, just that she doesn't want to take the chance that it would mess with her finals for her first semester so she said not until two weeks from now (that way if it messed with her head and emotions she wasn't in danger of fucking up on her finals). But not only did she answer, she agreed with me! And I'm shocked/surprised, though I guess I shouldn't be. Of all the Weinlands, she's the one I've left alone completely up till now. I guess I was listening to Andrew too much, and had been assuming that her mother's silence was a show of Lisa's feelings. So now I get one last shot to talk with her and to set the table straight. I don't plan on keeping her long, as lord knows she probably doesn't want to see me, but I want to set her straight on the facts of what happened and what was really going on with me, and to ask if I'd miss heard her back when I confessed about being friends. I don't know if she has anything she wants to tell/ask me, but I can only assume from the fact that she's got a boyfriend and that Andrew said that she's moved on and said that she assumes she was never really in love with me and had jumped the gun (that it'd all been just a crush) that she's probably not got much to say (but as she said she thought it a good idea to meet that she's got at least one thing). But then I'll have this done with and I'll finally (hopefully) be able to relinqish the hold she's had on my heart ever since I broke hers and maybe give it away to someone else someday. I now know signs that show me when someone means something more to me than just a fuck buddy, and after this whole mess you can bet your life that I won't be quick to forget them lol. This makes me excited and nervous all at the same time, but either way, come christmas I'll be on my way to being free to love again.

Oh, and I found this from a friend's LJ and just had to share. WAY too cute to not!

So, down to just three weeks left of school before the end of the semester. That means finals in two weeks and beginning training for an internship in 1-2 months (starting sometime in January next year). YEP! Found out I got it last tuesday, along with a lot of other good news that blew away any apprehension and stress I had about going home for break, and now has sent me on a road to being more knowledgeable about IRS problems. The company is called The Laser Group, and is a small tax accounting company in Toledo that apparently mostly deals with people who've had IRS problems (a.k.a. people who haven't files taxes in a while, etc). So, much excited about that! 24-30 hours a week at $10/hour, plus I'll keep a small handful of hours at my Union job too, so yay cash!! XD

Thanksgiving break was quite enjoyable, despite my apprehensions and stress. I wasn't gloomy or depressed at all while I was home, despite knowing the proximity to the Weinlands and still not hearing anything from them-wait, I lied. Chris did send me a message, the gods bless him! At least someone from that family seems to have some decency about them to contact me and let me know where the hell I stand with them. Which lead to a fight between Andrew and I, one of the few sour spots of the break (other than the fact that what used to be apprehension and depression regarding Lisa and her mother has started to become frustration and anger, which I did NOT want happening!). Andrew basically stated that because I tried dating Lisa when no one approved and they'd all spoken out against it, the silence from Lisa or her mother should be answer enough for me and I shouldn't expect and/or deserve more. Normally I would agree that their silence would seem to point to an obvious answer, but 1) I haven't tried contacting Lisa as per your request that I trust you, and 2) BOTH said (from my recolection, but lords know I could be wrong) that they wanted to keep some sort of friendship/communication going between us. So then the sudden silence is puzzling, not an answer. And I'm sorry, but 10+ years of friendship, I think I DESERVE some sort of decency and therefor some sort of response, even if it's only 5 words: "Leave us the fuck alone". Nearly lost my temper with Andrew over this, so thank whomever is watching over me that Matt (younger brother) was there and asked a question regarding the game of Magic we were playing-gave me something to divert the conversation to and keep my cool. Which is why I find it somewhat funny that he constantly is saying that I need to come home more often. I don't think I've been home for more than a weekend without us getting into some sort of "heated discussion", least not for a while (and especially not since Lisa and I had tried dating). But anywho, thanksgiving was awesome! Got to hang out with Janet and Caitlyn :D Got to see my brother and we spoke geek XD Got a chance to hang out with my folks and just relax. Watched a good portion of a show called Castle, which stars the guy who played Malcom Renalds from Firefly, and it is amazing! Like Bones meets Firefly!! XDXD Quite ammusing to say the least.

Lastly, sent Lisa an email today asking for a meeting so that I could say a few last things that i've been wanting to get off my chest now that I've been going to counseling, and ask a few questions that've been weighing on my mind. If I get a chance to do these things, I should finally be able to move on and start a new relationship, or at least go out on a date, and I'll finally be able to stop bothering y'all with these annoyingly craptastic and repetitive posts concerning them! Oh that'd be amazing! However, I'm assuming that their silence is their answer, meaning I'll either cheat and get Lisa's cell somehow and leave a message, or send her a long-ass email, forwarding it to her mother too, and then try my best to move on without resolution and closure. I've met an amazingly funny woman whom I'd like to take a chance with, but as long as this hangs around my neck like the prayer beads around Inu-Yasha's, I won't be able to be myself and be truely free of Lisa's influence. I just want to know what's going on and be done with this; I'm just as tired of writing about it as I'm sure you all are of reading it. And I don't want anger to poison the friendship I at least still feel towards Lisa or her mother.

Cause I'm sure that I won't post between now and Thanksgiving, so Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Please take a moment to seriously think about what you're thankful for. I've started a note on facebook asking what people are thankful for, and I'm sure everyone who might read this already are friends of mine on facebook, so I won't do it here too. But I just wanted to again thank everyone, friends and family, for listening to my rants and whines about the Lisa situation I created, and for helping me get through it. Thank you.

Actually, I'm kinda apprehensive and hestitant to go home for Thanksgiving, cause of this whole Lisa/Weinland thing. Not even just because I might run into her, though that does factor into it a tad. It's mostly just, being so close to the Weinlands (geographically) and knowing that they're not even thinking about me, let alone tlaking to me and just leaving me in the dark. Not to mention I started a tradition my Freshman year where all 4 families got together, both on thanksgiving and christmas and hung out as one large family and enjoy each other's company, and now I'm not sure if any of the families are going to get together this year, and it's my fault and I feel, in some way, I ruined the holidays. So while normally I would be ecstatic about the holidays and would be talking with everyone trying to align schedules, this year I'm dreading going home and even half comtemplate just staying up here (though I won't as there would be a couple key people who would search me out, beat me up and drag me home for being so stupid and selfish lol). So, here's to a hopefully uneventful holiday season, and to the expected silence that I expect to join it. I mean, if nothing came from me sending Chris a birthday gift and mines now past, I highly doubt that the holiday season will change anything.

So I finally ended things between me and Beth (the local BG Beth with whom I cheated on Lisa, not the Beth everyone knows in the circle of friends), meaning we're now just friends (and not "friends", or "friends" with benefits, or "friends with benefits" or anything else we might've been). And because of it, I think I finally understand the meaning behind the saying "Love is like a drug", and the reasoning people have behind rebounds. Was Beth a rebound, I can't say, but my gut seems to give a slight nod to the idea. So now that I'm no longer the object of someone's affections, something I can use as a shield and hide behind, I keep coming back to the reminants of hurt from my actions, for me, Lisa and Beth. It's finally time for me to face what left of these feelings so that I can, once and for all, move on like Lisa apparently has (she's already got another boyfriend from what I hear). So for these next couple of weeks I'll try not to annoy y'all with more of this crap as I come to grips with (hopefully) the last of these feelings for her. I can see Lisa to me is going to be like Maria for Andrew.

And damn you Smallville for getting this damned song stuck in my head-It's not helping me any (though now that I'm done with season 4 of Supernatural I've started to get caught up with Smallville and am currently on season 6-quite good). Definately don't feel like celebrating my upcoming birthday, not that I usually do anyways. While there's a lot worth celebrating, these last couple of months aren't something I'm proud of, nor wish to eat cake over lol. So here's to me and 23---woop

Ok, so yesterday was a gerat day for new music as I got two new CD's, one of a japanese pop band called MUCC and the other the new 2-disc TSO cd Night Castle. I listened to MUCC all the way home and for most of the way back up, and I finally got a chance to listen to the new TSO cd today while doing random house chores and letmetellyou that this new, non-christmas cd is AMAZING! The music is moving and the lyrics are sincere and the fact that they required 2 cd's to tell their story can only mean that it's quite interesting. I've not yet had the chance to read the story inside the booklet that follows the music (yes, each of their CD's, for those of you not familiar with them, is actually music that follows a story and helps to tell it) but as I'm working tonight and tomorrow morning and there's litterally no one here, I'll have all sorts of time to :) As of right now, i'm sure the cd will remain in my car so that I can listen to them with great speakers and surround sound XD At the moment, I'm thinking "Epiphany" is my favorite song of the two cds...y'all must go and hear it!!

So I'm hoping that my subconscience hasn't become prophetic in the sense that it gives me dreams involving Lisa and second chances and making recompenses and such which then herald in days in which I'm to run into Lisa at the Union. Because this morning I had another dream regarding that subject, only to then run into her TWICE today at the Union. *heavy sigh* CAnt remember what really happened in the dream or anything like that, but I do remember waking myself up purposely so as to stop the dream, and then promptly falling back asleep last night/this morning. At least my talks with Lynette and everyone else, along with time, has helped to reduce the effects of these dreams/encounters. Seeing her or having these dreams no longer throws me into having to struggle to care abotu anything for the rest of the day, or in the case of the dreams set me in a foul mood all day. But they do still have some effect on me emotionally, though what specifically or how to describe it is beyond my abilities. Though as I found out tonight walking by a random student who happened to have the same perfume/shampoo/smell as Lisa did/does (I wouldn't know anymore if it's the same as, well, obviously lol), smells do still throw me emotioanlly and I'm pissed about that. It's been 3-4 months now and I'm still stuck where I am?!?! She's obviously moved on, or something, so why the fuck am I still here? At elast it's only smells, so that should be a rare occurance.

But the times I do see Lisa, I don't say or do anything. I tell myself that I don't want to be unhealthy for her, tha tI'm giving her time to heal and that I'm putting my trust in Andrew to make things to the point where I'll finally be able to say something, anything, to either of the Weinlands. But I really know that it's more than that, that I really odn't have the balls to face her yet. As much as I want to, need to, talk to her, I see her or hear her and clam up like I'm having an allergic reaction, heart in my throat and the whole ball of wax. But I think I'm going to try to change that, in that my brithday is coming up soon (I only remember because people keeping asking me about it and what I want, otherwise I'd be just as happy to forget it and move on) and I think the only thing I'm going to do for it, the only gift I'm going to get myself, is that I'm going to try to set up to talk with Lisa, face to face. A bartender back home said that if she meant that much to me than I just needed to talk to her one on one and say everything I've been telling everyone else. That's when Andrew made me promise to leave the Weinlands alone and let him work his voodoo to calm the waters before I did anything. But with two interviews coming up this monday for internships, one of which is a second interview with the company, I need to resolve this issue before next semester, when I might have my first real full-time job. I can't have this looming over me, even as little as it is now. Who knows, my gift to myself this year could be a hard kick to the groin and some of the hardest words I've heard so far in my life :) Oh the joy lol. But I know I'm already getting Chris a birthday gift, as it's 4 days before mine. I'm going to be completely selfish and give him back an old Magic deck of his that I'd acquired a long time ago with a message saying that I hope to play it again someday. Who knows. Might flop, might do more harm to where things are between us, but considering the bastard didn't even tell me when I was doing things he hated and resulted in him thinking I was a douchebag and didn't want to hang out with me, I figure I can be selfish this once. I'm glad to see that I'm such a good friend that both Andrew and Chris kept that a secret from me and never seemed to try to inform me of their thoughts. BAH! Well, half an hour until the Japanese club halloween party and I've no costume (I work all this weekend closing shifts and an opening shift Sunday so I didn't bother with one) - I'm such an old fart already :(

This, I have to say, is one of the weirdest feelings I've experienced to date lol. Because despite any attempts from random outside influences to try and bring me down, there's this calming, soothing feeling that blankets those attempts with the feeing that I'll be all right and that things will work out fine. Any it's not just doing that for my love-related feelings, but for other things that have been bothering me lately too. Like, for example, the jealousy and anger I felt towards Beth and Shawshank's relationship. Now, instead of not wanting to see either of them again and wanting to cut all ties with them due to those feelings, I feel okay about them dating and realize that I really don't want to cut all ties with them as friends (especially as I don't have many friends up here lol). But I also realized that Beth, despite all that happened between us and as a result of all that, was something that I really needed in terms of relationships, and I finally realized what made Lisa and Beth stand out so much from my past relationships. It was the fact that I finally WANTED to open up to someone and be close to them, to let them into my mind, my feelings and what was going on with me and my life. Past relationship had been more about physical comfort I think and I tended to keep everything bottled up inside and a secret, but Lisa and Beth were two relaitonships that made me want to be closer to them and to let them be closer to me; to not be a distant lover who pretended to always be alright and just going through the motions of what I thought they wanted to see. So in the end, that made things with Beth and Lisa harder to deal with, because suddenly I had to go back to bottling everything up inside and pretending to be ok, and not having someone I could be completely open with and comfortable breaking down around them when I needed to. But again, I'm feeling some glimmer of hope that the future will work itself out and that I'll be ok. It'll soon be time I think for me to get back in the saddle and try to find someone that I'll be comfortable around, eh?

Random note, I received an unexpected self-esteem boost this morning from a friend that only boost the effects of the above giberish:
"There is no need to apologize. I make as many innuendos and comments as you do. If you say anything that bothers me, I WILL let you know. I flirt with you just as much as you flirt with me. I like it because it is fun to flirt without having to worry about you expecting more from me, since you know I have a boyfriend. Actually you have helped me gain a lot more self esteme because of the way you act. I don't want you to change."

First off, let me say that I'm thankful to each and every one of the gods for the Hamiltons, especially for Lynette and Caitlyn. The beginning of this week was fall break, so I was home and I can honestly say that I'm here and doing alright because of those two and that family as a whole. They helped me so much and I literally am questioning how sane or on the verg of just giving up comepletely i would be if I didn't have them.

That said, this is the second day that I've felt like I'll be alright and that I'll make it through all the drama and stuff with Lisa. Over break I was able to finally buy a car and get two monkey suits for interviews and such, but I spent most of the nights hanging out with Caitlyn and/or Andrew, and I know there were two or more nights where I ended up in Caitlyn's arms crying and breaking down. And it felt good and I didn't mind that I was breaking down in front of her. Thank the gods for having a friend like that, especially as I know I'm tall and an awkward man to cuddle/hold sitting down lol. And I finally caught Lynette up on things, only to get honest, logical responses and a somewhat shocked, almost hurt face when it came out that I'd figured she'd rip me a new one before giving advice and being consoling lol. Luckily, my clumsiness steered us around that conversation and avoided it altogether :D But something Lynette said made me realize something, or finally hit something home with me, and I realized that I'd been rushing things and trying to fix things with Lisa before she found someone else. I realized that I could wait and let time pass, helping to heal wounds and smooth things over, and if things turn out to be right then try later to date her again, but that I needn't rush to try to fix things with her. And this revalation has helped me to cope with my feelings for her, subduing their potentancy and making for a second day where I feel like I'll actually be alright and that this calm isn't just a fake calm that will pass/wane with the days. Again, thank the gods for the Hamiltons, but also thank them for all my friends who've helped me deal with this whole mess and who put up with my rants and constant tlaking about it all. I truely feel blessed :)

So I'm thinking more seriously about asking my counselor if I could up our meetings to twice a week instead of just on Mondays. I've only met with her once but I'm starting to get the impression that once a week just won't cut it. During the week I'm constantly being pulled down by my feelings for Lisa and it takes a lot of effort to keep myself at a level where I can function. That leaves little room left for pushing myself to get good grades in my classes. I just got back most of my first midterm exams and found my grades to be lacking-C's or worse in each of them so far, though I've still got two more this upcoming week and I that's yet to be returned. I can't have this, not when I need to just finish and get my ass graduated. I've got a long up hill battle now to pull off B's and that'll require my full attention. But this isn't the only reason why I'm thinking of uping my meetings.

I'm finding that on weekends my anger flares like the sun, and I'm more short-tempered and curt with friends, which I don't want to be. I need to get out and socialize, and I just realized a little while ago while watching one of the later episodes of Code Geas that that need to socialize is part of the reason why my temper is so on edge and ready to fly off the handle, either towards me or someone else. I'd been thinking it weird for a while now that I kept feeling down about losing Lisa, but that I wasn't seeming to feel anything about losing Chris or the friendship with his family. Turns out I have been, least on the weekends, when I would've been able to hang out with him. This need to be around people, play Magic and game, has been playing with my emotions too as the feelings of anger and regret for losing Chris have been subconsciously egging on my anger. I need an outlet for this anger, be it in some way to prevent it (coming to grips and eventually feeling alright with myself for all that's happened) or in getting a metal cabinet for the sole purpose of putting dents in it. Either way, I don't like who I'm becoming, and untill I get better, won't be able to find someone again who could love me. But I feel loving myself is the first step towards getting better (as ambiguous as that is) and I'm not sure I can, least not yet. I don't know, I'm just afraid that I'm going to push away those who care for me, and on that day I'll truely lose this fight, as those people are one of the few things that are keeping me going right now. I know this isn't this big a deal, but I can't figure out a way to make it any smaller. Help me, please.

Randomly, Code Geas is a good anime, full of story, plot and strategy. I'm not even a big fan of mecha animes but it's gotten me hooked with all the loose ends and their possible answers :)

Okay, so I apologize for talking about nothing but my relationship problems and feelings for Lisa lately, but it's stupidly consuming all of my attention when I'm not down in the dumps and beating myself up. As soon as I start to feel ok and resist the pull down from the feelings, they start to come more into the foreground and seem to pull harder. And if I give in and let myself be dragged downstream, then the current slacks off and weakens, but then I have to pull myself up again, like what I did this last weekend. So I guess the closer I get to being better and feeling alright about not seeing Lisa or being able to hold her, the stronger the push away from being ok. Though I am glad that I've now got a better idea about how this fight is going to be and how I'm going to have to work throughout all of it in order to reach my goal. Though in the mean time I hope I don't run into Lisa, because as I'm fighting I become more and more tempted to talk to her, to beg in-front of her and to try everything to...idk, improve the situation beyond just being a perceived taboo to her. So yeah, needless to say that I didn't sleep terribly restful last night, and that my inner conversations contained not only Lisa but Chris as well, only making me more desperate to talk with her today. *deep sigh*

"What you feel is insane
It is love and not a game
T.N.T. for the brain "

So, I've got this feelings that by this time Friday night I'll have spent a small sum on alcohol and be halfway through one of the various bottles, with another smattering of friends pissed/annoyed at me for my actions. But to be honest, after this weekend, I've little room left to try and convince myself that things are ok and that I can just work through them for someone else's sake.



Beth, upset that she hadn't seen me all weekend, wanted to hang out as much as possible this weekend, so she slept over Saturday night and hung out with me both most of Saturday and all of Sunday, and after waking up each morning with the feelings I had running through me, I know that I'm not right for Beth, nor she for me. It's not that I don't like her, she's a great friend and a wonderful person, I'm just apparently an asshole whose still in love with Lisa (despite the fact that I'm now 99% sure that noone from that family will ever speak to me again) and woke up (amongst other feelings) feeling guilty having just slept with her and that's all. I mean, she thinks the world of me and says I'm her world, the main pillar of strength for her to help get her through her days and troubles, and here I am about to muster up the courage and strength to break another heart after I apparently repaired it not two months ago. Am I really this big a douchebag? I can see that I'm going to have a lot more to tlak about tomorrow at my first counseling session that I originaly thought I would, and that I'm going to be spending more time at the gym than I thought I would be. Least I'll get out of here in better shape than when I came into it, eh? But whether anyone reads this anymore doesn't matter, as I just need a place to write to get these thoughts out of my head, else I'm sure I wouldn't be long for this world lol. I'm just breaking down it seems and can no longer be with anyone- I just need to be alone.

So it's been a while I guess, eh? I've just been so busy lately, and I've had a lot on my mind. Still do in fact, guess that's why I write here.

So, to wrap up quick in a nutshell, was dating Chris's sister Lisa (who now goes here for college), ran into a friend's friend named Beth who reminded me of a mix of Caitlyn and Lisa, ended up sleeping with said Beth, then fessed up completely to Lisa and Chris about the whole deal. I asked Lisa for a second chance which she shot down a few days later, Chris dropped me as a friend, and for a while I thought I would date Beth.

It's now been almost 2 months since the sleeping bit, and I'm finally sorting out what I think I'm feeling inside of me. I initially thought I was going to date Beth, that I really liked her, but over these two months I've come to know her more and, the more I know about her, the more I realize that I like her as a friend, but not necessarily anything more. She seems more suited for a co-worker/friend of mine than me, with her interests and life-views, but she's head over heels for me. I'm realizing that I'm becoming more neutral to the idea of dating her, almost to the point of being annoyed at the thought.

Thinking about what was going through my head and why I was acting/feeling like I have been for these last 2 months, I realized that I still had feelings for Lisa (which is natural as I did have feelings for her when I messed up). But I'm thinking more and more that these feelings for Lisa aren't just reminants from 2 months ago, but still vibrant and longing feelings I have for her, and anymore when I hang out with Beth I tend to find myself thinking bout Lisa and wishing I could be hugging her, or wondering what she's doing, etc. So I think I still love Lisa, which is a stupid idea anymore because, well, I'm pretty sure she thinks I should die and go to hell. I'm 95% sure Chris does at least. But I've been finding myself looking around campus, hoping to find her so that I can go up to her and try to say something, maybe at least keep a friendship with her going. But I know these are stupid thoughts and that at this point, I just need to move on and forget these things; forget that I want to beg and plead in front of her for a second chance; forget that I'd give anything, cow tow to any whim she had, for a chance to prove that I'm not a shitty guy and that I can be what she used to love; forget that I would be willing to be tied to a leash and go only where she went if it meant one more shot to prove my devotion that I've come to realize. I just need to forget.

So, hopefully starting tomorrow I'm going to go into counseling to help me deal with these relationship issues. Assuming things keep going as they have been and that the counseling doesn't do much in the way of how I feel about Beth, I assume that I'm going to ask Beth to just stay friends with me and not got any further. She's head over heels for me and is willing to go through so much for me as I've been her pillar of strength and support and love over the course of these last 2 months, and it'll break her heart assuming I do ask it, but I'm too busy to be in a relationship that I'm not fully committed to, and it's not fair to Beth to be in a relationship with her when I still love the ex. So yay, I get to break another heart! Two for one deals ROCK!!

OH GOD, and I still have to write Lynette about all of this!! CRAP!!! Well, anyone got any advice? I already emailed Lisa one last time basically saying that I plan to stick with my initial choice of her over Beth even if it means I lose out completely, and lord lately I've wanted to email her saying most of what I just said above, but I figured it wouldn't be healthy for her so I've refrained. The only reason I even emailed her that first email was because the words I sent in that email had been festering in my mind and started to interfere with my daily routine, and with a full course load, 20-30 hours of weekly work and having to worry about grad school and finding an internship, I have little room left in my schedule to socialize with the epople I live with, let alone have something unproductive hinder me from doing anything at all. So thoughts/suggestions would be helpful and much appreciated. Thanks and sorry for the length of this.

So, I've finished 1 of however many days of this semester. Mondays and Wednesday are going to be hellishly long days, with me not getting home until around 11:30 and 9:30 both nights and starting them at 8:30. But my classes could be interesting, so maybe it won't be so long? We'll see, eh?

But I did find out that there's a new Christian group on campus this year, Veritas. That makes....5 or 6 now for this campus alone. There's H2O, Creed, Cru, ACT (Active Christians Today- a frat of sorts for Christians, so I'm not sure if they count), now VEritas and Brookside (which is a church that rents out a room every Sunday on the campus, so they're not really an org so much but still, I figure they count)...just how many Christian organizations does this campus really need?

So yeah, as much as I love that Daisuke and Mamoru (my two Japanese tutors from when I was in Japan for a month last summer) are here visiting and so I get to spend the entire week hanging out with them and showing them around campus, I have never in my life wanted to be more alone. Within the last two or so weeks, I've taken one friendship and burnt it alive at the stake only to find it really was some sort of horrible monster that's now just really REALLY pissed at me and wants to see me burn, and taken another and made it slightly awkward and made me feel really horrible about how I'm doing in the world of friendships and relationships.

...And for those of you who didn't know, I cheated on my girlfriend who was the sister of a long-time friend, hence why he wants to see me burned and dead. So yeah, these last two weeks haven't been good, and I just want to curl into a ball in my room and not come out. And no, I don't know what I was thinking either.

...has done nothing but apparently fry my brain until there is little left. I'm making mistakes and stupidity left and right and am feeling more and more retarded for the little things I'm missing that I shouldn't be. For example: one of my tutors from my month trip to Japan stopped by BG for this week. I'd known he was coming for a bit, and knowing he probably wouldn't have a place to stay I offered possibly my apt, but wanted to check with the roomies first. So here's where I glitched:

1) I texted and asked two of my three roomies asking if it was okay he stay...but forgot to ask the third. I didn't have her cell so I couldn't text, so I meant to email her...and didn't.
2) After getting basic consent from the two roomies, I forgot to tell them WHEN he'd be staying over, only to then surprise them when I brought him back this afternoon. Yeah, totally not cool what I did in forgetting these basic things. Me = rtard >_<

And that's just one of a few examples I could've given. Thank goodness classes start next monday cause then I'll be even more fucked lol. I swear, it doesn't matter that my head's screwed on, I'm still losing it. On the bright side though, working out is a great way to relieve feelings of stupidity and self-pity.

Okay, so last night marks the second time within maybe a month (it was at least before I moved out of the old apt.) that I've had a dream like that. And while my dreams are normally bland and uneventful, if they're not, they're weird and sureal, not someone trying to kill me violently. One isn't particularly weird for me as it could just be a nightmare, but there've been a string of dreams with similar paterns to them and this marks another one ending in someone coming after my life. So if anyone is somewhat adept at dream interpretation, or just has any thoughts, please let me know, eh?

Within this month period, I've had a number of dreams lately where I've been trying to save some girl/woman. The first dream was like something out of Yu-Gi-Oh, which is painful to admit lol. I'm in a convention hall, and this woman runs by being chased by guys who're after her. I throw down some Magic card and start to duel them right then and there, in the hall, with 3D representations (or maybe the cards actually possess the ability to make the items/creatures some to life?) of the cards we're using. From what I remember I was doing pretty well but another guy was coming up to join us, or the guys I was fighting had this smirk/show that they knew something I didn't and I was about to get pummeled.

The next dream started the trend of my life being in danger. Same woman I think, and we're in this warehouse, or more specifically the back entrance of it. It's one of those tall, generic white warehouses, with a huge parking lot outside the door and then a chain-link fence surrounding it, maybe barbed wire on top (so maybe more of some sort of power plant?). This lady is being chased I know, and we're sitting outside the door waiting to figure out our next move. Out of nowhere this guy (one of the ones from the yu-gi-oh dream maybe?) comes bursting through the door and grabs the girl and starts to drag her inside. He's got a flamethrower on his back and is huge. I end up fighting him a bit and wrestling the girl free, running towards the opening in the fence, when an accomplice starts throwing dynamite at us from a motorcycle. The flamethrower guy starts trying to convince me to switch sides and just turn the girl in and join them while the motorcycle guy starts to chase us throwing more dynamite. I was about to try and throw a metal pipe into his wheel when I woke up.

This latest dream was a little more directed at me this time. From what little I remember I was in some shop when this guy (the same guy who had the flamethrower in the previous dream) walks into the shop and from nowhere it seems (like from up his sleeve or from in his hair) pulls out a throwing knife and throws it at the clerk behind the counter, killing her. He then starts coming straight at me, and when the only other patron of the shop stries to get in his way he again pulls out a throwing knife and throws it at them, killing them. He then pulls out some large knife and starts to swing at me, obviously pissed about something (I think the girl). However, unlike the last dreams where I'd been paniced but calm, this time I'm freaking out. Last thing I remember was me worrying about him having another throwing knife and possibly him taking one out of nowhere.


...yay dreams?

Okay, so this upcoming week makes week 6 of the last summer session, meaning that this week is finals week for me and then I'm done with frickin' summer classes!!!....and then have 2 weeks until real classes begin again.

Damnit...

But, either way, I'll be done with these stupid classes (and by stupid I mean I enjoyed them and found them relatively interesting but just want to be done with classes to have time to work and do nothing lol) by Thursday. I then work Friday night and leave for home and possibly a mini-vacation Friday night/Saturday. God this week can't end fast enough.

Another happy point in my life is that I finally beat Ultima Weapon in FF8, and was sucessful in getting the final Guardian Force (summon) Eden. I know that it's pretty bad that that's a high point, but hey, considering my level in the game, it's a frickin' feat to do anything, as everyone says that at this point there's no way I'll be able to beat the game. Now to only get the crafting materials needed to upgrade my weapons for all my characters to their final stage...fuck...

Otherwise, life's been pretty mundane; work, classes, work, classes, move into new apt., work, hanging out with friends, classes, etc. Speaking of moving in, I'm completely moved in and have about half my room organized. Was going to do some of that this weekend but yeah....worked three times yesterday and otherwise was tired. It can wait lol.

Well, it's the first weekend after the end of the first six-week session of summer classes and the first week of the second six-week sessions of summer classes, and I'm already spacing out and getting lost deep in thought. Mostly, I'm contemplating what I'm going to say to Chris tomorrow afternoon when I meet with him to talk about the awkward elephant that I've felt has been in the room ever since I discovered I had feelings for Lisa and he found out. I finally worked up the nerve to talk to him about the topic, and scheduled a time to do so. Now I just have to figure out what I wanted to talk about and what to say. I'm obviously scared, and it's weird that I'm intimidated by my best friend like this. I don't want to ruin or change our friendship, though just by liking Lisa and trying to persue things like I have, the damage has been delt and there's at least a small elephant hanging around. I figure the best thing I can do now is to address it head-on and hope I don't fuck things up.

But on less serious matters, I've gotten an A and a B so far of the 4 classes I took last 6-weeks, with two other classes left to post. I feel I did well in both, so I'm expecting another A and B from them. As for this 6 weeks, I'm taking Operations Management and Legal Studies, both of which are looking to be fun. My Legal Studies prof makes the class interesting to be in and the material easy to understand, while having a great sense of humor. I'm already thinking of looking into taking another class with this prof if I can manage the time next year (between getting the rest of my major classes done and the last 2 or so classes I need to get my minor). As for OR, as of yet it's nothing difficult. We're solving problems of varying difficulty in Excel and....well, that's it so far. I think it might be a sort of sleeper class in which it starts out deceptively easy and then suddenly become difficult. We'll see.

Ummmm, last weekend owas Origins Gaming Expo. I didn't do much in way of games, but I played this kickass game called Kung Fu Fighting which simulated (simply) a martial arts fight. For it's simplicity, it was quite fun (produced by Slugfest Games and can be found at http://www.slugfestgames.com). I also played a game called ExMachina by Blood & Cardstock which was like Apples to Apples. Players get a hand of "cogs" and then one person decides on a machine which they would like to be built. Each player uses the cogs in their hand to come up with the device (don't have to use all the cogs), and then the player seeking out the device then picks a winner, who gets the contract. The next person then picks a device and so on. In the demo we played, Chris's Persuation Machine included an Expresso hyped Hampster with a knife....he won that round. Also played Kings with Chris, Lisa and Andrew (Lisa was drinking water; like I'd let someone underage drink, though she did try a bit of beer). The game got stopped when one of Andrew's neighbors called the police because we were too loud apparently. And right after Lisa'd had her sip of beer too. She was flipping out. Kinda funny, least when you're highly buzzed. Also got the first part of Gurren Lagann, so all in all a sleep deprived but very happy past week!

OH And they came out with an actual game of WarHampster!! And I demoed it! Holy crap is it fun! Our group went spelunking in the colon of a giant looking for a canibalistic vampire pig who stole the golden frying pan of the local store owner when we wanted breakfast...So need to go find the rules online (which are free) and start up a game here!!!

So, here I am, babysitting a wedding reception at the Union, with an hour left until the building closes. But no worries! The reception lasts until 10, so only 4 more hours to go then...yay...

But this gives me a chance to watch more Gurren Lagann and maybe do some of those blasted optional problems for my Stats class before the test tomorrow...or look at that monstrous pdf file for my Accounting exam on monday as well...probably not though. OH! and lookie at what I found...







Ovverall a good weekend. Spent friday getting in some extra hours as Services and cleaning my bathroom again, as well as doing some quickie grocery shopping. Yesterday was nothing more than hanging out with Josh and some of his future roomies and grabbing some chinese food for dinner. Josh found this amazing blue vinyl coat and blue cowboy hat that make him look...well, rediculous but also like a pimp. Which is scary lol. Started talks with Chris and my folks about coming home next weekend for Matt's Graduation. God, he's 18 and a week away from being out of HS. This is a scary time, eh?

So, I'm now back in BG after spending the weekend home in Bexley. It was for a good reason, and not just because it was a holiday weekend. My brother, Matthew Christian Hewitt, attained the status of Eagle Scout and yesterday, Sunday, was his Court of Honor for it. It was an amazing ceremony, and practically all our extended family that we regularly keep in touch with were there for him. I ended up giving a speech at its end about him, and he said that if it hadn't been for his friends from school being there along with his French teacher, he would've cried. Made me feel even more proud. I've always been proud of him, that little buggar, but I realized I'd never told him so. So I'm glad I had this weekend to let him know how I've felt about him for a long time now.

Spent the trip back up here talking with my dad about random things, one of which has been resting heavy on my mind for a bit now: where Matt is going to go for college. His graduation is in 2 weeks, and as such I'll be back in Bexley come the weekend of June 6th. But he'd been estatic and enthusiastic about going to Purdue for college, only to find out that when figuring out his Financial Aid they recalculated his GPA based on a 4.0 system that used only core classes (math, english, sciences, etc) and that didn't count his AP classes. As such, he couldn't anywhere near afford it, with out of state tuition and all. So he's looking at OSU, though unenthuisiastically. He's also talking about, should he get any kind of cash from them, waiting a semester (or taking classes at OSU/community college) and then heading out to USC (University of Southern California, out in LA). It's his choice, and he says he doesn't want to go to any college town school, but I'm just worried about him and where he'll end up going, if it's what he really wants, how he'll be out there, etc. And should he go out to USC, then there's a good chance that he won't come home to visit often, or at all. And while I'm sure that I won't be home much either (as I'm hoping to graduate here in a year or so), the thought of him not being home really brings me down from the upper of a weekend I had. But I guess I can't watch over him for forever, eh?

Also, this looks like it has potential, eh?
http://www.apple.com/trailers/focus_features/9/large.html